I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
