It was confusing and full of hummus
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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