in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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