i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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