my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Nicole vs. Life
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
