FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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