I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
