Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
