Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
