3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
