theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
