To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Randomize
