The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
