Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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