my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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