Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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