If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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