I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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