He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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