She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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