Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
