got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
