Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
