i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i will never coherently bang her
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
