It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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