her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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