last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
