I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
