Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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