Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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