Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
