plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
