Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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