Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
