I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
That's intense
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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