i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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