I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
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I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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