there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
