i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
