so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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