If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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