What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
