I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
