6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
