No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
