ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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