Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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