so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
