on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
