good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
