My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
