How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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