she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
