i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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