but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
