I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is Oprah even human
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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