it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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